Painful surgery joke

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

All weekend

Another fun filled weekend. Friday we had small group, then Saturday was Kevin and Anita's Jack & Jill party, and then Sunday was my church's annual English Congregation picnic.

Ina was out of town this weekend, so I spent the whole entire weekend answering #2 questions, over and over and over and over again.

"Congratulations! ...where's Ina?", and then followed by
"So.. how did you do it? Tell us the story!!"

And then people would gather around and I'd tell all about how I proposed to her and all that.. the embarrassing and silly parts. Ina and I had felt like we'd told everyone we needed to tell -- evening changing our "Status" on Facebook, but it seemed to me that there were still quite few people left. At the picnic, people really came out of the woodworks to congratulate me, some people I've rarely ever spoken to came up to say hi and ask about the story. That was really cool though.

One thing I found kind of neat, was how every time I told it, people would be hanging on my every word like it was some sort of cliffhanger to a movie. Plus I'd remember more things to add to the story, little details that I'd missed out in the past. And then everyone would be like "Awwww.." at the end, which was weird because I didn't think what I did was all that romantic..

Anyway I had this pretty funny conversation with one of our friends at the picnic. We were talking about how my parents were planning to move back to Toronto after my dad retired.

O: So are your parents moving back?
B: Yea, after my dad retires, the plan is to move back to Toronto.
O: Oh, I see.. is he retiring soon?
B: Yea, he was was telling me the other day he's planning to retire in 6-12 months.
O: Cool.. When they move back, where are you gonna live?
B: I'm going live at Ina's place.
O: (puzzled look) Okay.. and where's Ina gonna live?
B: Huh? We're gonna live together.
O: (incredulous look) Um.. okay.. but.. um.. shouldn't you get married first?

That's when I figured out she hadn't heard about our engagement, so I told her and the world made sense again.

This is for people who talk during movies

Liar

Does this look like a spring forecast to you? This author doesn't think so.

Several months ago, a lie of epic proportions was masterminded, that has affected millions of people around the world. Starting off as a joke, it has slowly turned into this year's biggest elaborate falsification that has forced this author to think 'enough is enough'.

"..one of the most heinous, deceptive hoaxes in the history of mankind.."

I am sick and tired of it, and I will not only expose this rodent for being the mastermind of this most heinous, deceptive hoax in the history of mankind, but prove that this liar is laughing all the way to the bank.

For those who do not know, this is Wiarton Willy, aka the despicable, low-life scumbag. And in my opinion, he deserves to be locked up behind bars.

Two months ago, Willy predicted that spring would come early. At the time, this made everyone excited, as you'd expect, the prospect of having an early spring meant more time to bask in the sun, to enjoy loved ones, to put away our winter clothing, etc, etc, etc. And for awhile, this prognostication seemed real. A week later there were record high temperatures, and Willy was lauded for being right.

Heck, even I'll admit that I was quite proud of our little Canadian hero, of not only being right but for being such a model citizen. Indeed, these were great times for Willy. We see here a statue, which was built in honor of Willy for these so-called "accurate" predictions. Just the other day, I predicted that it would be sunny outside, and a few hours later, it was. Was a statue erected for me? No sir!

Here we see this evil creature snacking on what is most likely some goodies, no doubt a result of another scam he pulled on some young unknowing innocent children.

I submit to you, the public, to stand up for yourselves and not allow this rodent to continue his string of lies without getting away with it. I encourage you to sign petition to make sure the evil does not continue to spread. Now the only question remains -- how will Willy respond to these accusations? Will he own up to this obvious trickery while the rest of us shiver in the cold with our toques and scarves in the middle of April?

Wee Sports

USB Hub

If it seems like I have an obsession with USB devices -- I don't. I just find these very amusing.. Case in point, check out this amazingly useful USB Hub.
Marvel at this wonderful genius! A tape dispenser..AND a USB Hub, all in one! Did I mention it's 2.0? O yeah!

A Wii bit funny

Check this out..


I assure you, my "Wiirkouts" are *not* like this!

USB drives

I found this really amusing. These are all USB drives, ranging from 128mb to 512mb. Tiny? Yes. Expensive($99 each)? Yes. Cute? VERY.



Here's a few more. They're called iDucks. They light up when you plug them in.



These are only 128mb each.. but adorable! Only $59 apiece.. what a deal!



Who *wouldn't* want a piece of wood sticking out of their usb port?

---

Wiirk-out #2
Weight: 150 lbs
Workout time: 10:27pm - 11:04pm

Osmosis

Here's a funny little quip Bigjon told me a couple days ago. Now if you know BJ then you are also aware of his many "bad" jokes, but I thought this one was pretty good:

"Why does learning by osmosis not work? Because the concentration of the book doesn't change!"

BWAHAHAHAHA

--

So I went to the final wedding of the year, Mike and Serena tied the knot on Saturday. I don't really know Mike all that well except that everyone says he's a very helpful and generous person.

I always wonder what people would say about me, at a wedding or funeral. I could imagine people stammering and stuttering to come up with something positive to say about me:

"Oh Brian.. Brian Brian Brian.. he is/was so.. umm.. yea.. and he was always.. umm.. right.. soo.. how bout the weather these days, huh?"

I've known Serena longer.

Aside: I find it funny when I go to weddings, and you line up, and wait. Finally you get to the front of the line, and someone asks you "Bride or groom?". I mean does it really matter that much? Why do you have to sit on a certain side, do you really spend that much time talking to the persons you sit beside?

"Hi.. so, how do you know the groom?"
"The groom? Um.. well I don't really.. I'm friends with the bride."
"What? Are you serious?? SECURITY! THIS MAN IS ON THE WRONG SIDE!"

So anyway, I know Serena through Lon. Serena even came to a camping trip with my old church Milliken, along with Lon and Yvonne, and Jason. Which was really fun in those days because here we had the core of my Ottawa friends and my Toronto friends. I think I met Serena when she came to Ottawa to visit. I also remember going over to Lon's place in Hamilton for dinner, after Lon kept raving about how great Karen's cooking was, but instead I was treated with an ENTIRE meal of LIVER cooked by Serena, all because they thought they weren't getting enough iron. I mean COME ON.. what are the odds that you go to try Karen's cooking and you get an entire meal of liver.

Anyway, I remember that being the best liver I've ever had, so I guess that means Mike's in good hands if he ever needs iron.

The red wine at the reception was yummy. It reminded me of the Maria Christina I bought last year to cook with and also drink with cheese. I remember drinking almost an entire bottle of this hodge-podge wine while watching Sideways. Anyway, I had several. I had 2 before the meal on an empty stomach, which was great because it made the rest of the evening pretty fun. Not that alcohol makes everything fun.. but well, let's face it -- it does.

Weddings are always great, and it's always amazing to see two people connect in such a way that they would decide to devote the rest of their lives to eachother.

---

Btw, a big congratulations to my good friends Lon and Yvonne for the birth of their baby girl.