18 days remain

On a more serious note, I think I have been losing sleep over this so I'll blog about it. After booking all my vacation days for various things such as days leading up to the wedding, the honeymoon itself and Christmas holidays, I found that I only had 3 days of vacation days remaining.

This is something that Ina and I have been praying about, which is what to do with these remaining days. As most of you know, for the last 3 years I've been going up north to Longlac, to spend a week or two with a native reserve to help out and work with the children there. It's something that is important to me. I know that there have been people who would skip a year because of something big (like a wedding), but I also know people have gone out of there way to go even if it was a big problem (like last year Daniel going 2 weeks before Maki was due).

Something that I always wanted to make sure was that I didn't allow my personal life to get in the way of my ministries, these two things should either work hand-in-hand, or that Christ should take precedence. But lately I've also been thinking maybe I just want to be selfish and take some time for me, for a change. I'd like to think I earned these vacation days, and I keep spending them on others... when is it my turn? And is it wrong to think this way? Don't I deserve to have some fun too?

An added kink to all of this is that Ina will actually be out of town for the month of July on various business trips, so even if I stayed home she wouldn't be there. Although I would rather take a Friday off here and there and then fly out to see her for the weekend.

Lately I've just been feeling like my heart isn't in it. Like I just don't want to take on anything right now, just want a break. Longlac just seems like something a long way off. At Ishskwaday, although it was a good time and all, I felt a little alienated like an outsider looking in even though I was one of the organizers.

Anyhow, the deadline to sign up is tomorrow.

How are you doing, spiritually?

I was sitting with a friend yesterday, catching up and enjoying some ice cream when the proverbial question came. "So, how are you doing, spiritually?".

Not sure about the rest of you, but I've always had trouble with this question. Perhaps it's just the wording of the question that confuses me. Spiritually, how am I doing? How am I doing from a spiritual perspective, as opposed to a physical perspective, or emotional.. or vocationally?

What puzzles me is whether or not I'm capable of separating myself out into these categories. Other than Physical Brian, I'm not sure I can split Spiritual Brian, Vocational Brian and Emotional Brian. There is only one me. And is it even right for me to be able to do that, when God should be part of my entire being? If I am able to separate Vocation Brian and Spiritual Brian, does that make me a Sunday Christian?

Most of the time when I'm asked this question, I want to run away because deep down I am thinking to myself that I haven't spent enough time with God and that I am about to be exposed for not being a perfect Christian. I suppose from that I've discovered that I often feel a sense of guilt and duty when it comes to my walk with God. So when the question is asked, I often feel like a deer in headlights, and a sense of fear and guilt comes over me. What do I say? "Okay, okay. You got me. The truth is finally out there folks. Yes. I'm a bad Christian. I spend more time watching sports than reading the Bible. It's true and I am ashamed. Also, I often fall asleep when I'm praying at night, and I have passed up about a billion times to share my faith because I am scared to offend the other person." Cameras flash and tomorrow you see me, plastered on the front page of every newspaper, and the caption reads: "Guilty: Man claims to be a Christian".

Sometimes I find when I'm asked the question, I start making excuses in my head. As if I can some how justify myself. I'm thinking "Well.. I just did some missions, so I'm definitely half decent right now.." or "My devotions are almost non-existent, but I pray every night, and plus I'm serving on the worship team so that has to count for something right?"

I think generally it is difficult or people don't really want to think about that aspect of their life. Or maybe it's just me. We want to believe that things are A-OK, because as Christians we want to appear as if everything is fine and dandy, that life is perfect in an otherwise depressing and imperfect, world.

The first

People like to be first. They want to get things first. Like a new DVD, or a new gadget. Someone would say "Hey, that's a great phone, but I got it first." People line up for hours so that they can be the first to see a new movie, so that they can tell their friends "Nah, I saw that one already. I saw it first." Or to be first to get into the arena get a great seat.

Of course everyone wants to be first. They want to win, and get that coveted first prize. First in your class. First to graduate. In piano I would always strive to get that "First Class Honors" grade. In violin, you want to be first chair.

As I approached a red light on the road, I slowed my car down and this guy sped past me and cut me off. He wanted to be first. First in line baby. He sure showed me a thing or two.

Second is just no good. And heaven forbid you come in third. People want to be first so badly, that someone who came in second came up with a silly rhyme so they wouldn't feel bad about not coming in first.

A teacher asks a question and a bunch of little hands shoot right up into the air. "Me! Me! Pick me, I was first!". And what an honor it used to be, getting picked first during a game of kickball at recess time. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Let me be the first to congratulate you on.."

Jacob went to great lengths to fool his own father that he was first.

Parents gather around, patiently awaiting their child's first word. First step! The first 5000 people in the arena will receive a free bobble-head. Sorry, you don't get a bobble-head, you weren't first. I cried tears of joy last year when Toronto was awarded the first overall pick of the 2006 NBA Draft.


It's a wonder to me, after a life of wanting to be first, we don't strive to be better Christians, we don't strive to be first where it actually matters.

We rush through our entire lives, trying to achieve first place in all that we do, but when it comes to pleasing our God, we're satisfied with just being where we are. Myself included. Are we being too complacent?

You won't see me trying to cut in line to signup for Sunday School.

Here's a signup sheet for prayer ministry. Who wants to sign up? Who wants to be first on the list? No one's signing up. There isn't even a lineup.

Sunday Service ends, everyone rushes out of the sanctuary, trying to be first in line for snacks. Let me grab a cup so I can scoop more cheese sticks than you. Hey, what are you doing? I was first. Here it comes..

We really don't know what do with ourselves though, do we? God chose us. God picked us first. But how do we respond? God's God. I mean, we're just a bunch of human beings rush from one place to another. Let someone else be first. How can we pick God first anyway, amongst all the other important things in our lives? God's everywhere and around all the time, so He won't mind. He's God.

I'll catch you later, God.. I've got things to do in the meantime.