Alive and kicking

A little bird told me that I should make a post so that everyone knew I was still alive and kicking. So, here is what's been on my mind lately:

On life in general:

Life has been good. Ina and I are a week away from 6 months of married life it's felt like a lot longer. Not to say that it's boring, we've just gotten so used to eachother and our daily routines that the time has just literally flown by. No house yet, still looking. Might wait til next spring as the market continues to bottom out. A couple of houses we really liked ended up selling $100k less than they originally listed for, so we'll continue to play the waiting game.

On serving:

Ina and I have been looking for areas for us to serve together. After weighing several options, including joining a couples' small group, continuing on with where we are currently, or helping out with youth fellowships, we've decided to start our own small group together, focusing on new Christians and seekers.

As for worship team, I took the summer and fall off, and now I'm considering giving it up altogether. I've completely lost interest in it.

On missions:

It's possible that I'm being led astray, but lately I've felt no urgency or excitement towards going to Longlac. In fact, I've had a weary attitude towards it. I think it has something to do with the church deciding to start ministering to #77 entirely, even though we invested the last 5 years ministering and building relationships with #58 (3 years for me). It just seems to me like not finishing something you started. I still chat with some of these kids on MSN. What am I supposed to say to them when they ask me if I'm coming to visit this summer? No. Actually, I'm not. I'm visiting your neighbors but not you?

Anyway, I'm currently exploring an opportunity to go to China for a short term mission trip. I contacted the pastor about it but after 2 weeks he still hasn't gotten back to me about it.

On politics:

Obama won, the first black president so it's big deal -- for those who see color.

He promises "Change" but what is he planning to change? The political climate? Bush is gone so that would have changed regardless. Racial prejudice change? Economical change? Change in attitude towards warmongering Americans?

I think he's a great speaker and a great leader. He's a great motivator and speaks with conviction. He says what everyone wants to hear, and sometimes, what everyone needs to hear.

It's a great time for the young people, because they voted and it finally made a difference. It's a great time for the soldiers who've spent the last half decade risking their lives in Iraq searching for the weapons of mass destruction that never existed. It's even a great time for Christian Americans. No more sitting on your hands, people. Time to get a move on. Your leader (of ambiguous religion) will make sure of this. However, it's not so great a time for unborn babies with reluctant mothers. Better hope your mom changes her mind before she murders you... because Obama supports that.

On basketball:

I'm beginning to notice why all the doubters believe the Raptors are going in the wrong direction. Same problems as last year, only now we have a $22M contract staring us in the face. He will go away in 2 years, but wouldn't it have been better to trade for guys who actually address our problems?

We're 4-2 right now, and we will probably make the playoffs, and we might even win a series. But I honestly don't think we're any closer to being contenders than we were last year. We added a former all-star, but we also still have 2 starters who are better suited as role players. And our bench, don't get me started on our bench. Half these guys shouldn't be playing in the NBA.

Priority swing

It's been awhile since I missed an entire month of posting on my blog. It seems like a lot of things have become a lower priority for me since getting married.

As a single guy I immediately noticed how guys would change once they got into a serious relationship, and then even moreso when they got married. Things they once appeared to hold dear to them fell away from them. Priorities change and I understood that, but what I couldn't understand is how they so quickly lost interest in things that I thought they were interested in.

I always thought that when I got married, things would be different. That could never happened to me.. I am set in my ways and I'm stubborn. It's a scary thought from a single guys' point of view, seeing someone change. But once you're in those shoes you realize there's nothing scary about it.

For those of you who haven't tried it yet, married life is fantastic. Nothing compares to it -- it's just the greatest thing in the world. I'm often puzzled when married people ask me, "So, how's married life?", as if they didn't already know how awesome it is.

One thing I noticed immediately pretty much since Ina and I started dating was my lack of interest in music. If you've been following this blog for along time, you'll know I used to buy a lot of music CDs, and I'd even review them here. I don't think I've bought a CD in since we got married. I just stopped caring and realized I had better uses for my money, and better things to do. All of a sudden, radio is good enough for me.

Another thing I've noticed is my interest in movies has drastically diminished. I go less overboard about movies, I'm no longer excited about a movie coming out, or go out of my way to watch one. I no longer feel the need to be the first guy to see a movie when it comes out. To me it's become just another form of entertainment. I can be entertained at home just as well as in a theatre and at home I can go pee when I need to, and leave my cellphone on.

I've also lost interest in what is happening in Hollywood. I used to know all the ins and outs, who was cheating, the feuds and the embarassing photos online. I used to know who deserved an Oscar, not because they were nominated for one but because I'd seen every worthwhile film that year and could make a fair assessment. What I've come to realize is that it was pointless to fill up my head with all that useless nonsense.

I've also seemed to lose interest in the Toronto Raptors. Usually I would be super excited for the season to start, especially at this time of year. This year -- I feel nothing. I know it's coming, and I just picked up my Raptor tickets. But for some reason I feel nothing. I'm not excited or anxious for the season to start. I tried reading up on the team to whet my appetite, but I get nothing. I just don't care that much any more.

Once you're married, all those "fun" things you did as single person no longer seem fun. Everything you used to do appears boring and mundane. I've found that you truly begin to realize what's important in life and your priorities change for the better.

New blog

Ina and I have started a new blog to document our life together. We're co-authors of it, so from time to time we'll post there. As we feel that God united us to be a couple to live out the rest of our lives, we've aptly named it "United to Live".

I will likely continue this blog, but if history and experience has anything to say about this, the likelihood of maintaining two blogs is not high.

To join us on our new journey:

http://united2live.blogspot.com

3 days remain

Many of you are probably wondering, "How the heck does he have time to blog with 3 days remaining?". Well, I took only a half day off today, it's my last day at work.. well, last morning and I've got absolutely nothing to do. I've already set up my email and phone so I won't even attempt to do any more work today. I'm just sitting here checking my email (personal) and looking up on MEC some of the neato things I could buy when I go there in a bit.

I'm pretty excited. There are still some daunting things, like speeches and not screwing up on the vows, but otherwise we are down to the home stretch. Ina and I are so ready to get married that we wish it were already finished. There's still a lot to do but there's no more looking back. Pastor Vic gave us some good advice: If you get 80% of what you wanted that day, you were lucky.

Something that dawned on me a few days ago, was how will I keep up with my newsreader? When I get back from the honeymoon, that'll be nearly 3 weeks after the last time I read news.. there's gonna be over 2000+ items for me to catch up on! Yikes!!

9 days remain

Barf alert!

On Tuesday, Ina and I went to our last "marriage counselling" class. Technically it was really just to go iron out the final details of the marriage procession. Anyway, on the way there we had dinner at Ajisen, one of Ina's favorite Ramen places. After which we were both craving dessert so we walked over to T&T and bought some popsicles.

Then we walked back to our cars (we came seperately) while eating these totally awesome 50 cent lichee popsicles. As we drove to the church, I followed her of course otherwise I'd get lost. At every red light Ina would blow kisses at me through her rear-view mirror, and show me how much popsicle she had left. And then I'd blow her a kiss and she'd act like she was catching them. It was totally awesome.

It was at this time that it dawned on me, one of the many purposes God had for me, this was one of them. To be a loving husband. It was just at one of these red lights that I realized how much I love Ina and how great our lives are going to be together as a married couple. It's like I was born for this.

Hey, it's not like I didn't warn you about the barfing..

12 days remain

Thanks to those of you who read my annoying wedding related questions blog and came up to me and asked me those very questions -- very funny.

Well, we're really coming up on it now, just 12 days to go. Ina and I are just about ready to take the plunge, my mom and dad are both in town now and I've been getting tons of "expert" advice. Work is starting to wind down just enough to give me a little space so things are generally good. There are still some little things left that I know I need to do but also that I continue to put off.

When I was young, I would try to imagine what life would be like if I were married, or had kids. But I just couldn't picture it. I have quite an imagination, and can think up some pretty crazy things, and when I was little I used to imagine myself as a rock star, or war hero or spy. I could run around the living room with an entire battlefield drawn out and imagine myself running around shooting and dodging bullets. But one thing I couldn't imagine was what my future would hold. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to one day get married, or to raise my own family. It always felt so far away and I couldn't grasp that thought in my mind. There were probably times in my life that I thought it would never even happen, let alone trying to imagine it all.

Now, less than two weeks away I can finally see it.

18 days remain

On a more serious note, I think I have been losing sleep over this so I'll blog about it. After booking all my vacation days for various things such as days leading up to the wedding, the honeymoon itself and Christmas holidays, I found that I only had 3 days of vacation days remaining.

This is something that Ina and I have been praying about, which is what to do with these remaining days. As most of you know, for the last 3 years I've been going up north to Longlac, to spend a week or two with a native reserve to help out and work with the children there. It's something that is important to me. I know that there have been people who would skip a year because of something big (like a wedding), but I also know people have gone out of there way to go even if it was a big problem (like last year Daniel going 2 weeks before Maki was due).

Something that I always wanted to make sure was that I didn't allow my personal life to get in the way of my ministries, these two things should either work hand-in-hand, or that Christ should take precedence. But lately I've also been thinking maybe I just want to be selfish and take some time for me, for a change. I'd like to think I earned these vacation days, and I keep spending them on others... when is it my turn? And is it wrong to think this way? Don't I deserve to have some fun too?

An added kink to all of this is that Ina will actually be out of town for the month of July on various business trips, so even if I stayed home she wouldn't be there. Although I would rather take a Friday off here and there and then fly out to see her for the weekend.

Lately I've just been feeling like my heart isn't in it. Like I just don't want to take on anything right now, just want a break. Longlac just seems like something a long way off. At Ishskwaday, although it was a good time and all, I felt a little alienated like an outsider looking in even though I was one of the organizers.

Anyhow, the deadline to sign up is tomorrow.

22 days remain

Maybe it's just me being a pack rat, but something I've learned is that women don't keep things like men do. While moving and packing my clothes, I noticed a whole lot of pants and shirts that I hadn't worn in about a year. But they're still good clothes. There's no sense in throwing away good clothes right? I mean they still fit. Fashion is cyclical anyway.. within a few years most of these will be back "in-style" again, right?

Anyway, I've been packing suitcases of clothes to move over to Ina's place every couple of days, and it seems like every time I pull out one of these lesser worn shirts or pants, she's all like "Do you even wear that? When was the last time you wore that? I've never seen you wear that.". And then she neatly folds them and puts them in a separate pile from the rest of my clothes.

Which is cool because one thing I'm okay with losing is the freedom to choose what clothes I wear. I've never been a good dresser and I'm happy to admit it. I've noticed a few of my friends dressing noticeably better since getting married and I'm not only okay with it, I'm looking forward to it. As long as I feel comfortable in my clothes, that's fine. And if I look good and don't have to be the one who worries about it, that's perfect.

--

The Raptors finally won one last night. We got it done when it mattered, but the truth is games 1 and 2 mattered but they couldn't pull it off. I'll be at the game on Saturday.. I hope they can win.

23 days remain

Today is April 24, 2008. I'm getting married in 23 days... gasp! For the next little while, I'll blog a bit about my general thoughts as this day approaches, amongst other stuff.

Although there are some who have told me marriage is the best, the vast majority of people tell me it's not as great as you think it's gonna be. I've heard a lot of people say you have to really work hard at it. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm really looking forward to that hard work.

My general impression of wedding planning is that it's a bit too over-the-top. I think most brides would emphasize that it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and the biggest day of their life. Whereas some guys, myself included, would say that it's just one day. Why are we spending this much on ONE day?

That was me about 4-5 months ago.

I think weddings are a magical time for the bride so they are generally more involved in the planning process because they care more. The groom is kind of just there, making sure they don't spend too much, but also his role is pretty much to keep a hands-off approach but close enough to ensure his bride's happiness throughout this process. And providing reassurance that it isn't too much.

For me, I've been pretty much hands off for most of it. I've seen the wedding more as a formality, just something we need to get done for the sake of family, friends, God, and that whole official-ness of it. Many times we've actually both considered just eloping because of all the pain it would avoid. But in the end we're definitely both looking forward to this big day.

That's not to say I don't plan on indulging on this day, soaking in the moment and making the most of this once-in-a-life-time experience.

Blog killer

Can a blog be killed? I think so.

How can you kill a blog? Take the blogger, give him someone better to talk to than a computer. Give him a friendship that lasts forever, someone to hold hands with, someone to love and who loves him back. Someone else to shares his deepest secrets with, his burdens and also his joys. When you can do this to the blogger, the blog dies.

This blog is nearing its end.

Grief

For Christians, when a person dies there is two or three things that come to mind. One, is that God has decided to bring that person home. Another, is a wonderment of why God decided to take that person away from you. Third, is the human side, the pain and the grief of losing someone.

Last night, I came home exhausted at 9pm and laid down on the couch to relax and watch the World Series. My mom has been in town for the last 3 weeks and will be here for another week. She's been such a blessing for Darryl and I, we've had home cooking for the past 3 weeks. You wouldn't believe how much money I've saved on food. Not to mention the food is just better. I wonder if 30 years from now my son or daughter will come visit Ina and I and be grateful for our cooking. I find that really hard to believe. Neither of us can cooking particularly well. And yet "great home cooked meal" seems to be a constant for all generations. I guess that means my cooking skills are going to improve drastically in the next 20 years... Anyway, about my mom, she was planning to take a trip to Syracuse for the weekend, to visit some old college friends that she hadn't seen in a few years.

Boston had just taken the lead on a two-out double by Mike Lowell and I was pumping my fist in celebration. The Leafs had just beaten my Penguins and I needed something to lift my spirits. Mom couldn't understand what I was celebrating about, and went back to her room to do whatever moms do. After a little while I heard her say "Oooh!". I called out to her "What happened?", and then I heard two words. "Jean died.". There was a crack in her voice.

Brian: "Oh." Brain: "OH!".

It took about 3 seconds to register and that's when I jumped to my feet and raced over to comfort my mom, who was sobbing by the time I got there.

I remember as far back as age 6 or 7, when our family used to go over to Uncle Albert and Auntie Jean's home for fellowship. My parents were in a cell group with a few other parents that I probably wouldn't be able to name, but all of whom are likely going to be at my wedding next spring. At that time their youngest daughter Ruth probably wasn't even born yet. Rachel was around my age and her older sister Lynn was around a year or two older.

My parents went to visit her when they were here back in March. I guess they had given Uncle Albert my phone number, because after the car accident in May, he called me up to see if I was okay. He knew all about it I guess through my parents, and also even asked about how Ina was doing. It really took me by surprise because the last time I had talked to Uncle Albert was probably about 7-8 years ago. Probably one of my fondest memories of Auntie Jean was just how she always remembered things about me. All of my parents' other friends would ask me the same old things like how's school, how's your brother, things like that. But Auntie Jean always picked out specific things to ask me and so you could tell she wasn't just talking to me because I was my parents kid, she actually cared about me and how I was doing. As we got older we saw that family less and less, but whenever we did visit she'd remember me, and talk about the old days, she was a very nice lady, very kind and very loving.

Auntie Jean was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago. But I guess because I hadn't seen them in so long, it didn't affect me the way it might have, had it been someone who was 'currently' close to me. I prayed for her off and on, but most of the time I just forgot. Sometimes you just forget, when there's so much in the world to pray for.

I don't know about you guys but when I see either of my parents cry, that is a real tear jerker right there. Nothing can really prepare you to see your parents cry. I guess we are just wired that way -- we're so close to our parents that, when they feel something you feel it too, even if you shouldn't. Seeing my mom devastated by the news made it a whole lot worse for me than it really was.

You just know that none of that is helping her emotionally, because you've also lost a loved one before and none of those statements helped you feel any better either.

After hugging my mom for about 5-10 minutes, she finally stopped crying. I never know what to say to people when they're crying and dealing with grief. Crying for physical pain is a little easier to comfort, or because you hurt their feelings, that's all about just saying sorry and hugging them. But for grief, a loss of a life, that's hard. There's always those token phrases that you know just doesn't help at all, like "She is in a better place.", or "She died peacefully.", or "Don't worry we will all see her again some day.."

Mom muttered something about how she had wanted to go see her but Jean had asked that no one come visit her because she wanted them to remember her as she was, and not as she is. Then she sobbed some more and then told me how they were expecting their first grandchild in 2 weeks. Damn.

When I got back to the couch and started to think about how close Jean and Albert were to her and what it might be like for me, how could I understand or wrap my head around how she was feeling. I really wanted to empathize with those affected by this huge loss. I thought about some of our (Ina and I) closer friends, like Stan and Yee Lee, Nancy and Duncan, and how it might be like if one of them died. We've known these people for on average 5-6 years, and have grown really close to them over the past year, but my parents had been friends with Jean and Albert for 25 years. Imagining the magnitude of friendship from that standpoint fast forwarded me to the reality my mom was dealing with.

It also made me think about Jean's 3 daughters and husband, and 2 son-in-laws, and how they were feeling at this particular moment. Jean was expecting her first grandchild, due in 2 weeks. She died peacefully, with her husband and youngest daughter by her side.

These emotions stirred inside me as I prayed the night away. Grief.