October 25, 2007

And now a word from our sponsor

Are you Stressed?

Are you tired of the same old thing??

Hi, my name is Brian and I am here to tell you that I have discovered the way to beat your stresses and your depression. As the joys of summer ended I was in dire straits and in need of a pick me up. And I found it.

A few weeks ago I discovered that cheering against the Toronto Maple Leafs brought great satisfaction. I'll tell you what: At first, it felt so unnatural. I had been an avid Leaf fan since the age of 7, so the idea of cheering against the team I loved so much was truly difficult. But boy has it been gratifying.

Satisfaction Guaranteed
The Leafs are not only a bad team, they will break your heart -- they will take a big lead in a game only to relingquish the lead and eventually lose. This makes for fantastic drama, because everyone around you is foolishing cheering FOR them, you are almost guaranteed a good laugh by the end of the game.

This does not mean I hate the team -- on the contrary, this team I love so much will only start to improve if they have a truly horrible season, whereupon a stupid, idiotic and moronic assclowns like General Manager John Ferguson gets fired. This is the only, only way. As a 22 year fan, I have been through some very dark times indeed and some good times, but one thing I have discovered is that signing players who are 3 and 4 years past their prime is not the way to win hockey games.

Laugh at your friends!
Why is Bryan McCabe making 6 million dollars? Why do they still have Mats Sundin? Darcy Tucker? Wow, they got Jason Blake? Too bad it wasn't 5 years ago! Did you know that Wade Belak was a 12th overall pick? Why is the team pretending to have two starting goalies, when both aren't even as good as most teams' backups?

These are questions you can use when you make fun of your friends as they cheer on this lowly team.

Testimonial 1
Two nights ago I came home late, exhausted after a night out. I walked in wanting to head straight to bed but, lo and behold I see my brother sitting at the television. He says "shoot-out!". If was my Atlanta Thrashers, the worst team in the league, playing against his beloved Leafs. As I stepped in and sat down, Ilya Kovalchuck went in and scored, the winning goal. As I wooted and cheered my brother looked down at his feet, dejected. Do you see how great that was?

Testimonial 2
About a week ago I was sitting in a restaurant in St. Catherines, and the game was on. The restaurant was rustling and bustling as the game was on, patrons were excited that the Leafs were up 3-1 against the Chicago Blackhawks. But I knew better. As an avid Chicago Blackhawks fan, it was only a matter of time before we came back. Next thing you knew it was 3-2. Then 3-3. As the groans mounted in the restaurant, I raised my arms in exhuberance. Oh baby, we are coming back! Minutes later it was 5-3 Chicago. I was elated!

No commitments
The greatest thing about this is, there are no commitments! I turned from a die-hard Chicago Blackhawk fan to an Atlanta Thrasher fan in less than a week! You just go from team to team and cheer for the team that is playing the Leafs. Even if your team loses, you can still laugh at your friends by pointing out that their last Stanley Cup win was in 1967.

So as you can see, this is a win-win situation. I hate to hate the Leafs, but it has to be done. And you can have fun doing it.

Go Penguins!

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