December 16, 2003

my stereo has this delay setting. i think it's specially there for jazz music, i don't know.. but anyway it makes norah jones sound really cool.. and all other jazz music in general.

without music my spirit grows stagnant. i deleted all of my mp3s the other night, deciding it was best to just delete them rather than "wait and see if i'll buy the cd eventually". so now, i've got nothing to listen to. i realize now how music affects my emotions so deeply.. music captures the very fiber of my being, my mood, my feelings.. it can grab control of me, takes over me. now that my collection is so tiny, my mood is very similar, in that i feel like i'm in a bit of rut, like i wanna do something but don't know what. restlessness.

on the subject of Urbana. i know i'm not too old to go. i also know that God hasn't called me to do missionary work at this stage of my life. things keep falling into place at work. if I was being called to do something else, God would've closed the doors on my current job.

Christmas. For some reason the last couple weeks when I was reflecting on the meaning of Christmas I kept thinking it was Easter. A couple nights ago after a reflection and prayer I found myself feeling a great amount of shame and guilt because my mind and wandered to the time Christ originally died for me. When I finished praying I was in tears, and then I shook it off realizing it wasn't even Easter time. Isn't that weird? Christmas time is a joyous occasion, and here I was thinking about the death rather than the birth. It must be the ADD...

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