I've always said that when this path God has placed me on ends -- when I hit the dead end, that I would go and do something just for Him. Not as if He finally deserves it, when has He ever not deserved it. But I guess it's just something I wanted to do. In SYDM, McManus talks about how God's blessing can end up holding us down. I guess in retrospect, me committing to something only after my job was over, was silly. I could have done it at any time.

It's easy to say things like that but to actually do them, that's another story. My contract with the City of Toronto expires in 13 days. From a career standpoint it might actually be good, I no longer feel challenged at my job anymore. From an income standpoint, I've saved so much in the past year, and plus I still have rent income. That's not really an issue for me. Having nothing to do during the day.. that would be really bad. Although it might give me a chance to pull my life back together.


But I'm not really focusing on that. Unemployment, all that.. is scary. But this entire time leading up to the end date hasn't been scary to me. I've always felt secure that God would open another opportunity for me, and I still feel this way. It sounds like a cocky faith, but I'm seriously not worried. God is good, all the time. Even when times are tough, God is good.

People always talk about how they have a heart for some people specifically, and then go to that place and serve.

I guess for me I have always been fascinated about Arab countries and India. Somewhere, where Christianity is forbidden and punishable by death. Somewhere, that I would be risking my life to make a difference in someone's life. Maybe it's the drama (king) in me but I think I need to go to sort of an extreme situation before I felt like was I doing something signficantly helpful for someone.

Maybe that's why God has never placed someone special in my life.. maybe I was never meant to live very long, and thus such things would be a waste of my time. Maybe my purpose in life isn't what I hoped it would be. Some people are able to imagine themselves when they are old. I can't even imagine myself a year from now.

From a career perspective I've done all I can at that job. A highly motivated career oriented person would have left there by now. I stopped learning things months ago, I've cemented (cornered) myself into a corner. I enjoy the work, but sometimes I feel like there has to be more. Yes, lowly motivated me, actually feels like there might be more to work than this.

Look, I'm not giving up. It's just me musing on my ponderings of thoughts and things. Plus I'm really tired.. I was supposed to sleep nearly two hours ago but here I am typing away.

Mostly gibberish..