December 11, 2005

Me, Part 2

I'm insecure.

I am not sure of myself at all. I doubt myself and what I'm capable of, even things that I've proven to be able to do, or things I've done a billion times -- I doubt those things too. Sure I've done it before -- but it was probably a fluke. I'm not *that* good at it.

I try to project an image of care-free-ness. An easy-going, fun-loving person. Deep down though, I'm petrified. Scared of what's next, my future, scared of the unknown. Some people really need God, while others can get by on their own. I'm one of those who needs Him, desperately.

I like to tell jokes and make people laugh, just so that we won't have to talk about anything serious. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy making people laugh, but often I will use it for other reasons. Yes -- I'm like Chandler Bing -- I use humor as a defense mechanism.

I have issues with talking about myself. I'm afraid to be exposed for the mundane, ignorant and oblivious person that I really am.

I don't care about what people think of me. I know that contradicts with what I just said. But I guess that's just it -- I'm afraid to be exposed, yet since I'm able to hide myself, I don't care what people think because it's most likely they're thinking the wrong things anyway. I'm a good hider.

I do worry if someone doesn't like me though -- I try to reason with myself, try to think of reasons why someone wouldn't like me. I mean, I'm a nice guy right? How could you not like me? It doesn't seem possible -- and yet it happens.


§å®å[¦]*&*TreeNaH said...


C said...

We all have insecurities, needs, 'deficiencies' and 'quirks' that make us unique and human. Everybody needs God. Those people who seem to just be able to "get by on their own" also really need God, but just don't see it...and need it maybe even more so b/c their pride is in the way of seeing the Truth.